Lifestyle

Just a few timeless life lessons we all learn on the road of life…

1. Beauty comes from within. – You will never be beautiful like me.  You can only be beautiful like you.  One does not become beautiful by trying to be beautiful.  One becomes beautiful by finding beauty in what’s already within.
2. Pain has a purpose. – Pain doesn’t just show up in your life for no reason.  It’s a sign that something in your life needs to change.  This change takes strength.  But remember, it’s not that those who are strong never get weak in the knees, or that they never gasp for a breath.  It’s that while their knees are shaking, they force themselves to breathe and to take another step.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
3. There are right people, and wrong people, for you. – There are fake people, and those who are true friends.  There are people who take the heart out of you, and those who put it back.  You have a choice of who to spend time with.  True friends have an honest heart, and will go out of their way to help you when you need it most.  Stick with the people who never let you down and keep their promises.  You can’t fake that.
4. What you focus on grows. – Do not let the negativity wear off on you.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Promote what you love instead of discrediting what you dislike.  When you choose to focus on the things you love, you end up finding more joy and more love in life.
5. What you don’t start today, won’t be finished by tomorrow. – There are seven days in the week and someday isn’t one of them.  Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.  Read Getting Things Done.
6. Sometimes taking your own advice is hard. – You know what to do, but you can’t seem to accept your own good judgment.  You’ve said the same exact words to others, but listening to your own words is a struggle.  That’s why friends are priceless.  Because sometimes you just need to hear it from someone other than yourself.
7. You can’t live your life solely for other people. – When writing the story of your life, don’t let someone else hold the pen.  You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if the people you love disagree with your dreams.  Live your life so that when it’s time to ask where the time went, you can answer: “It went to joyful moments of self-discovery, to my search for passion, to doing work that felt like play, to standing up for what I believe in, and to exploring this beautiful world with an open heart.  My time went to living MY life!”
8. Forgiveness is the first step to recovery. – Sometimes we don’t forgive people because they deserve it; we forgive them because they need it, because we need it, and because we cannot move forward without it.  So cry, forgive, learn, and move on.  Let your tears water the seeds of your future growth and happiness.
9. Your beliefs become your reality. – What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for.  You become what you believe.  Even though you cannot control everything that happens, you can control your attitude toward what happens.  And in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.  Read Awaken the Giant Within.
10. Success is rarely easy, but always worth it. – Those who have achieved their dreams know that life is about willpower and persistence.  It’s about hanging on to hope when your heart has had enough, and giving even more when your mind and body want to give up.  Yes, each step may get harder, but the view from the top is priceless, and well worth enduring the journey to get there.

Photo by: Jason Corneveaux

What can you tell yourself that you don’t already know?  A whole lot.

In the privacy of your mind you constantly talk to yourself.  Your inner monologue might seem pointless at times, but the truth is the act of talking to yourself can help you learn and maintain a positive lifelong trajectory.  Therefore, collected below are six effective topics for self-talk, so the next time you talk to yourself you will know exactly what to say.

1.  What you love.

When it comes to lifelong labors and dreams, lukewarm is no good.  Hot is no good either.  White hot and passionate is the only way to work and live.

Invest your thoughts and time in the things you love.  Don’t wait around for too long to get involved in something that moves you.  Realize how important it is to be an enthusiast in life.  If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, explore it.  Get up and go after it.  Embrace it, hug it, love it, and above all, let your passion flow freely.

The most important decision you will ever make is what you do with the limited time that has been given to you.  Before you know it you’ll be asking, “How did it get so late so soon?”  So put your thoughts and time to good use, and let yourself be drawn to the strange pull of what you love – doing so will not lead you astray.  Live your life so that when you’re old, you never have to let the person you became fantasize about the person you were capable of being.

2.  Your own inner truth.

Why worry about what others think of you?  Should you have more confidence in their opinions than you do your own?

Truth be told, how others see you is not nearly as important as how you see yourself.  To be happy means to live confidently in your own skin – to be faithful to that which exists within you.  What you’re doing by being yourself is you’re keeping it real, and you’re being really brave.

When you choose to stay true to YOU, some people might refuse to accept you for who you are.  Forget them.  Rather than being fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not, choose to stand strong, even at the risk of incurring ridicule.  When you are comfortable in your skin, not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s perfectly OK.  You could be the ripest, juiciest apple in the world, and there’s going to be at least a few people out there who hate apples.  (Read The Untethered Soul.)

3.  What you are willing to sacrifice for your goals.

When it comes to goal setting, you must be specific.  If you find yourself talking to yourself about wanting everything, it means you are treacherously close to achieving nothing.  It means you are avoiding the effort required to get anywhere at all.

Usually, it’s not too difficult to decide what you want your life to look like in a year from now.  What is difficult is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things that must be done to get to where you want to go.

This takes serious commitment, and it requires transient discomfort.  When you decide to aim for something higher, you must be willing to suffer a bit of vertigo – the fear of falling.  And you must be willing to fight against that voice of emptiness below you which tempts and lures you to believe that you don’t have enough strength to ascend any higher.

4.  The little victories of each day.

Sometimes the human mind operates in mysterious ways when it comes to achievements and happiness.  We dream of something and we wait and wait and feel like it’s taking forever to arrive.  Then it does and it’s over, and all we really want is to curl back up in that moment before things change again.

Although there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a fulfilled dream, you must realize that it’s just one small moment of your life.  Like every other moment, this one instance of victory is fleeting.  Lifelong happiness is not found in any one particular moment, it’s found in all the moments and memories leading up to our inevitable sunset – all the small victories of each day that fall between the big events.

Ultimately you will realize that your highest aspirations should just be a target – a point on the horizon to step towards.  You may not ever reach it, but you can always look up after every small step and see beauty of where that step has taken you.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Happiness and Passion chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

5.  How to help others.

Talk yourself into helping someone today.

No exercise is better for your heart and mind than reaching down and helping others up.  Happiness and success in life doesn’t come through selfishness, but through selflessness.  Everything you do comes back around to you.

The best way to feel alive is to get up and do something positive for someone else.  Don’t wait around for good things to happen in this world.  If you go out and make good things happen, you will fill the world with happiness and you will make yourself smile in the process.

Greet people with positivity.  Encourage them.  Compliment them.  Lend them a helping hand.  Notice their progress, cheer them on and make them smile.  Love and kindness is contagious.  The more happiness and success you help others find, the more happiness and success you will find every single day of your life.  (Read The Happiness Project.)

6.  The immediate reality of your own happiness.

Right now, you have more than enough to be happy.

Right now, you have the full capacity to find something small to celebrate.

Right now, you have a choice to make.

Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy.  True happiness comes from within, when you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions, and when you choose to focus on what you have, not what you haven’t.

One of the great secrets to happiness is to pay more attention to the beginnings than the endings.  So many people say they want a new life, but then they take the new one they get every morning for granted.  Don’t do this.  Don’t wait until your life is almost over to realize how great it has been.  A great life begins right now, when you stop wanting a better one.

Scream it out loud:  “Life is good!”

The floor is yours…

What have you been talking to yourself about lately?  Is it positive or negative self-talk?  What kind of positive self-talk do you use to motivate yourself?  What kind of negative self-talk do you need to stop?  Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.

Photo by: Hartwig HKD

In various ways, these 30 books convey some of the philosophy of how Angel and I live our lives.  I honestly credit a fraction of who I am today to each title.  Thus, they have indirectly influenced much of what I write about on this site.  A medley of both fiction and nonfiction, these great reads challenged my internal status quo, opening my mind to new ideas and opportunities, and together they gave me a basic framework for living, loving, learning and working successfully.

If you haven’t read these books yet, I highly recommend doing so.  They will enrich your library and your life.

1. Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert – Gilbert, a Harvard professor of psychology has studied happiness for decades, and he shares scientific findings that just might change the way you look at the world.  His primary goal is to persuade you into accepting the fact that happiness is not really what or where you imagined it would be.  This is my favorite book on happiness by a long shot.
2. The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck – Pretty much the granddaddy of all self-improvement books, it’s easily one of the best nonfiction works I’ve ever read.  By melding love, science and spirituality into a primer for personal growth, Peck guides the reader through lessons on delaying gratification, accepting responsibility for decisions, dedicating oneself to truth and reality, and creating a balanced lifestyle.
3. Getting Things Done by David Allen – The ultimate ‘organize your life’ book.  Allen’s ideas and processes are for all those people who are overwhelmed with too many things to do, too little time to do them, and a general sense of unease that something important is being missed.  The primary goal of this book is to teach you how to effectively get your ‘to-do inbox’ to empty.
4. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey – Covey presents a principle-centered approach for solving personal and professional problems by delivering a step-by-step guide for living with integrity and honesty and adapting to the inevitable change life brings us everyday.  It’s a must-read.
5. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand – This novel is an explanation of what has been and always will be at the core of America’s prosperity: freedom and capitalism.  It should be required reading for every American.  All 1,069 pages are worthwhile.  Hands down, Atlas Shrugged is one of the best, most influential books I’ve ever read.
6. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho – More parable than novel, ‘The Alchemist’ uses the story of young shepherd Santiago’s search for his personal legend as an allegory for everyman’s struggle to break from the comfortable confines of conformity and pursue his life dreams.  Along the way, of course, our young everyman is beset by numerous setbacks, testing his resolve and forcing him to become attuned to the Soul of the World in order to survive.  By paying attention to the details in the world around him, which serve as omens guiding him towards his goal, young Santiago becomes an alchemist in his own right, spinning unfavorable circumstances into riches.  I’ve read this tale a few times now and it always provides priceless inspiration.
7. Walden by Henry David Thoreau – Thoreau spent two years, two months and two days writing this book in a secluded cabin near the banks of Walden Pond in Concord, Massachusetts.  This is a story about being truly free from the pressures of society.  The book can speak for itself: “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”
8. The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz – Schwartz gives the reader useful, proactive steps for achieving success.  He presents a clear-cut program for getting the most out of your job, marriage, family life and other relationships.  In doing so, he proves that you don’t need to be an intellectual or have innate talent to attain great success and satisfaction in life.
9. Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely – Looks at the reasons so many of us continuously make irrational decisions on a daily basis.  It’s a scientific but easily readable and unquestionably insightful look at why we do what we do on a daily basis, and why we never change our ways even though we often ‘know better.’
10. The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss – Ferris challenges us to evaluate our perspective on the cost and availability of our dreams, and he teaches us that hard work isn’t very hard when you love what you’re doing.  Although there’s certainly some pages of self promotion within, Ferris provides invaluable tips to help us remain aligned with our goals, set expectations on our terms, and eliminate unnecessary time-sinks while increasing our overall effectiveness.
11. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie – Easily one of the best and most popular books on people-skills ever written.  Carnegie uses his adept storytelling skills to illustrate how to be successful by making the most of human relations.
12. Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse – A short, powerful novel about the importance of life experiences as they relate to approaching an understanding of self, happiness and attaining enlightenment.
13. 1984 by George Orwell – 1984 still holds chief significance nearly 60 years after it was written in 1949.  It’s widely acclaimed for its haunting vision of an all-knowing government which uses pervasive, 24/7 surveillance tactics to manipulate all citizens of the populace.  In today’s world of continuous online connectivity, Orwell’s visions hit pretty close to home.
14. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald – Set in the Jazz Age of the roaring 20’s, this book unravels a cautionary tale of the American dream.  Specifically, the reader learns that a few good friends are far more important that a zillion acquaintances, and the drive created from the desire to have something is more valuable than actually having it.
15. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck – Steinbeck’s deeply touching tale about the survival of displaced families desperately searching for work in a nation stuck by depression will never cease to be relevant.
16. The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason – The best book on money management ever written.  Although only 145 pages, this book is packed to the brim with powerful, life changing information.  I’ve read it three times and I still pull new pearls of wisdom out of it.  Babylon should be mandatory reading beginning at the grade school level, then again in college, and should be given as a gift right along with a college diploma.
17. Quitter by Jon Acuff – If you’re looking for an honest account of what it’s like to make the transition from your day job to your dream job, this book is for you.  The author doesn’t sugarcoat the journey or convince you that it’s worth making stupid decisions now that you’ll pay for later.  He stays grounded in reality while inspiring you to truly connect with the things you’re passionate about, and he gives you hope and a plan for getting yourself there.
18. The Success Principles by Jack Canfield and Janet Switzer – The creator of the ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’ series reveals secrets to success with sixty-four timeless principles packed into this one book.  Sixty-four principles may seem like a lot, but each receives a concise, easy-to-digest chapter that challenges readers to risk creating their lives exactly as they want them.  This is easily one of the most practical books I’ve ever read on achieving your dreams.
19. The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less by Barry Schwartz – Faced with too many options or decisions in your life?  We feel worse when we have too many options.  This book will make you feel better and change the way you look at them.  Schwartz discusses people making difficult decisions about jobs, families, where to live, whether to have children, how to spend recreational time, choosing colleges, etc.  He talks about why making these decisions today is much harder than it was thirty years ago, and he offers many practical suggestions for how to address decision-making so that it creates less stress and more happiness.
20. The Personal MBA by Josh Kaufman – Unfortunately, the title may limit the market to business people, but the truth is we are all in the business of managing and selling ourselves no matter what our occupation.  What makes this book warrant such a strong statement is the fact that it’s a comprehensive synthesis of all of the concepts you need to know to understand business inside and out.  There are no complex models to learn or outdated theories to memorize just to get marks or pass exams.  What you get is a clear, comprehensive set of ‘rules of thumb’ for any possible scenario you might encounter in running a business (or just your life in general).
21. The Art of War by Sun Tzu – One of the oldest books on military strategy in the world.  It’s easily the most successful written work on the mechanics of general strategy and business tactics.
22. The Wisdom of Crowds by James Surowieckiv – Great examples of how groups of diverse people acting independently are smarter than any one person in the group.  This is one of the most entertaining and intellectually engaging books I’ve come across in a long while.  The author has a gift for making complex ideas accessible, and he has a wonderful eye for the telling anecdote.  The material within has huge implications for management, markets, decision-making and more.
23. The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz – The authors worked with the best athletes and executives for years and found that the best ones knew how to push themselves, then recuperate, push, recuperate, and so forth.  Take this same approach to your emotional, mental, physical, and even spiritual life, and it’s a powerful metaphor.  Think of sprints, not marathons.  Be fully in whatever you’re in, then give time to recuperate.  But push further each time, past your comfort zone, like a good exercise plan.
24. Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath – An easy to read psychology book about real ways to make change last – both personal and organizational.  So many powerful insights, based on fact not theory.  Inspiring counterintuitive stories of huge organizat
    

Simplicity is ultimately a product of focusing on what matters.

NOTE: This post has been updated with new information and moved to here:

25 Lessons You Will Appreciate When You’re Ready for a Simpler Life

Photo by: Julia Caesar

“There cannot be a relationship unless there is commitment, unless there is loyalty, unless there is understanding, patience, and persistence.”
?Cornel West

It’s easy to make a relationship more difficult than it really is.  Angel and I work with coaching clients every day who do just that.  But we don’t try to change their relationships, instead we help them change the way they think about their relationships.  And that’s precisely what I want to touch on in today’s post.

If you feel like your relationship is sinking, it’s a perfect time to get rid of some thoughts that may be weighing it down.

Here are nine such thoughts to stop thinking, for your relationship’s sake:

1.  “My relationship with him/her will solve all MY problems.”

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.  If you’re not comfortable enough with your own inner truth when entering a relationship, then you’re not ready for that relationship.  Because you are incapable of loving another unless you love yourself, just as you are incapable of teaching someone else something unless you yourself understand it.

Learn to love yourself first, instead of loving the idea of someone else loving you.

2.  “We should be the center of each other’s universe.”

A good relationship happens when two people accept each other’s past, support each other’s present, and encourage each other’s future, without trying to micromanage any of part it.  So don’t rush relationships, especially those that feel overbearing.  Find a partner, and friends for that matter, who encourage you to grow, who won’t cling to you, who will let you go out into the world, and trust that you will come back.  And always pay them the same courtesy.  This is what true love and real friendship is all about, and it’s always worth waiting for.

3.  “Good relationships are always easygoing.”

Wrong…  Good relationships require work.  Good relationships require sacrifice and compromise.  True love in both dating relationships and marriages are not about being there when it’s convenient, these relationships are about being there when it’s not.  Even if you can’t seem to walk that mile in your partner’s shoes, you are still capable of walking beside them to be a supporter until the day they learn to smile again.  (Read The Friendship Factor.)

4.  “I need to do whatever it takes to be loved.”

Sometimes we try to show the world that we are flawless in hopes that we will be loved and accepted more.  But we can’t please the people we love by being someone other than who we are, and we shouldn’t try.  Loving someone should not mean losing YOU.  True love empowers you, it doesn’t erase you.

The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our sincerity, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections.  When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of perfect, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.  Thus, happy couples accept each other just the way they are.  There is no need to put on a mask.  There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not.  You are more than enough just by being YOU.

5.  “Forgiveness isn’t necessary.”

Whoever said revenge is sweet never tasted the sweetness of forgiveness.

Love is living your own life, but sharing it.  And this requires constant forgiveness.  It’s making a million mistakes and turning them into learning experiences.  Love is patience, optimism, and sometimes it’s a simple hug when there is nothing left to say.

But remember, forgiveness isn’t just for your current happy relationships.  You have to forgive your past failed relationships too.  Yes, that’s right, you have to forgive them.  You don’t have to like them, you don’t have to be friends with them, you don’t have to spend time with them ever again, but you have to forgive – to let go, to let it rest, to let bygones be bygones.  By not forgiving you are forcing yourself to carry bricks from your past relationship failures forward with you into all your present and future relationship interactions.  And by doing this, you inevitably build the same flawed relationship structures that fell apart before.  (Angel and I discuss the process of forgiveness in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

6.  “I don’t have time for them today.”

If you neglect your relationship, your relationship will neglect you too.  So realize that today will never come again.  Be a blessing.  Be a friend.  Be there for the one who matters most.  Make a difference.  Take time to care.  Tell your significant other how special they are.  Do something that encourages a smile and a brighter day.  By doing so, you will not only help them, you will help yourself too.  Because when you seek to inspire happiness in someone close to you, you will not only find it, you will become it.

7.  “They should change for me.”

The biggest mistake is believing there is only one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation, or to have a relationship.

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated as is.  Sometimes we try to be sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image of what we want them to be – what we think we need, love, or desire.  But these actions and perceptions are against reality, against their benefit and ours, and always end in disappointment – because it does not fit them.  The beginning of love is to let those we care about be perfectly themselves, and not to distort them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves that we see in them.

8.  “It’s just easier if I keep my feelings to myself right now.”

There is no day but today.  Say what you need to say.  Share your love openly and honestly with your other half, right now.

Realize that, no matter what, you’re going to lose important people in your life.  No matter how much time you spend with someone, or how much you appreciate them, sometimes it will never seem like you had enough time together.  So don’t learn this lesson the hard way.  Express your love.  Tell the one you love what you need to tell them.  Don’t shy away from important conversations because you feel awkward or uncomfortable.  You never know when you might lose your opportunity for good.  (Read The Last Lecture.)

9.  “All relationships can and should be fixed and maintained.”

It may sound harsh, but not every couple was meant to be a couple.  And that’s OK.  It’s always better to be alone with dignity than in a relationship that constantly requires you to sacrifice your happiness and self-respect.

Although not all relationships are meant to be, there are no failed relationships, because every person in your life has a lesson to teach.  Sometimes you simply outgrow people.  Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on.  Do what you can, but don’t kill yourself trying to fix the unfixable.

When someone leaves your life, it’s important to emotionally release them.  Know in your heart that it’s not an ending – it’s a new beginning.  It just means that their part in your story is over.  Your story will go on…

Think about it.  How many people don’t get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to be with?

Afterthoughts

Good relationships don’t just happen – they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work to be a part of something bigger than themselves.  Relationships like this are not just about sharing laughs when times are easy; they’re about the commitment to fight through and overcome all the hard times together too.  In the end, happy couples think clearly, collaborate willingly, and don’t let expectations and negativity get in the way of the bond they share.

Your turn…

In your experience, what are some common misunderstandings, or thinking traps, that hurt intimate relationships?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.

Photo by: Y-a-n